sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
