I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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