These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
