So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
