Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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