I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
