oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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