Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He passed out mid-signature
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
