I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
