Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
