we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
