and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
