Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
