1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
