I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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