i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
