There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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