Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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