I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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