i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
