Do you still have your period?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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