when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How external is "for external use only"?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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