Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
