and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
