My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
