I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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