I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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