I am puke
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
