ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
