Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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