just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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