Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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