you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
