after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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