Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
