haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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