God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He passed out mid-signature
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
