Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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