I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
