Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
