My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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