i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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