Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
