$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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