so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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