John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
