Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
