I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
