at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
