I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
worst night to have a conscience
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
